|
| time passes and things dont look up. i have little to look forward to anymore, school is destroying me. i thought it would be ok, but it has been making me sick, physically and emotionally bcuz i just cant handle it. only a few people at school keep me happy. the rest look at me like im an idiot. outside of school it is still just a few people i still even tlak to.. it just it sucks. alot i just have a feeling of hopelessness. and it wont go away. nothing i do helps. i try and cheer up but its only temperary, bcuz as soon as i get back into a good mood. something takes it from me. i dont know if i need a break or what i need. all i know is i cant go on much longer like this. its affecting not only me but everyone around me.. i never really realized how much of an influence i have on others.. i dont like this feeling. | | |
| so its senior year my classes arent too horrible. life seems to be kinda going good for me =] classes are meh. but its ok... im doing alright i guess... idk im super happy and cant help it. but the weird thing is i dont even know why im so happy lol. its funny how i start to look back on what i have done. and wow i have grown up alot and im glad, but it makes me look back and want to slap myself! what on earth was i thinking when..... ..... .... but its ok. atleast i grew up and realized what was wrong.. i still cant believe its taken me almost four years to figure it out.. o well better late than never =] well idk what else to say so chit chat it up later =] | | |
| so im back in san jose. and to be honest its going better than i thought it would! i havent been this happy in a while. like really. i saw my friend last night and he hasnt seen me so happy. apparently i have lost weight which is cool =] ha (we'll see how long that lasts) minus the stress of AP hw. im really content. i grew up alot this summer. and i realized i dont need to take so much fucking useless bullshit. its funny as soon as i got back i got blasted by hella guys (yes cathy this is my girl talk to you) its like. as soon as i got back a signal went off and all these people are texting and calling me. guys i used to super crush on, guys that blew me off. ones that i never thought i had a chance with, are wanting me. and i have to admit it feels kinda fun but its weird because even though all these guys are trying to get at me. i dont want any of them. most of them are douche bags. and are hardly even my friend. but even the ones that have been my friend i dont want them.. i know who i want. and i dont wanna settle for anyone but him. and im willing to wait.. lol this guy has never upset me. never made me feel nething but happy and special. he is so cute in such a dorky way =] and yet he is like perfect for me. lol i have liked him for years, and he has liked me too. but we have just been friends, since he is my cousins BEST friend lmao. but this summer things have changed..im excited. he always makes me smile and i love it.. ha this summer was good for me. i learned i dont need any guy. but by learning that, i realized the guy i WANT cathy we have ALOT to discuss when we chill next <3 | | |
| i wanna cry, i just dont know nemore. i dont like this feeling. the feeling of not being good enough. or being too young. i dont have many people to depend on. i am learning that more and more. but i know the few i have are amazing. i honestly dont know how to write this without it being super obvious as to what im talking about. but still.. i know that this is part of growing up but it makes me so sad. bcuz i feel like im just here wasting space. i know im not but its how i feel.. right now neways.. i dont know where i belong. in bakersfield im loved and its great but its like, down here i cant shake my past.. and in san jose. i miss my past. i just wish i could disappear. go off the map for a little while. only talk to the people that wanna talk to me, or the people who have never let me down. i saw a movie and it made me think. if someone wants something to do with you, at all.. they will make an effort. and i think its kinda true bcuz every person i want to see, every person i have ever wanted to spend time with. well im tired of always being the one to make the call.. i dont need neone to hang with i can be happy by myself(granted a little bored but w/e) i just think ill focus on other people.. it will distract me of my problems.. or maybe i dont have ne and am just making myself go insane.. idk why i have the emotions i have right now. its horrid. happy sad furious and so lost and confused. maybe soon ill know who i can depend on.. bcuz just depending on me is exhausting. | | |
| so as we already know i have been in bakerfield since the 12th. im happy here. everyone treats me right and its just amazing. people actually want to spend time with me here, they admire me, they love me. i have seen friends i havent seen since my moms funeral.. 8 years ago! its weird how lots has changed and yet nothing has at all. i got my nose peirced again for the third time hahaha ill keep it in this time.. its hot here but its ok. i have actually gotten quite a bit of confidence(either that or i just dont care ha). its weird, since i have been here i havent really talked to any one in san jose. i mean i miss some people but i really am just happier here. and now for the reason i need to vent. no surprise its over josh. yet again. i miss you hun i do, but i have been thinking.. we dont have a healthy relationship.. and i feel that you will be happier without me. i know you probably wont read this, you never do (atleast i dont think you do). either way if your upset im sorry and i do love you.. but i feel that even when i try its not enough.. and i feel that you cant truly be happy with me, bcuz your not happy with yourself. not i dont know that for sure but im just saying. well that was my vent. gotta go.. little kiddlings be buggin hahaha | | |
|
|
